This Devil’s Dictionary of zodiac souls is submitted for your mild bemusement. I do not identify with a *single* one of these, nope not one ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Aries: a burning hot poker ready to be stuck in your eye at a moment’s notice
Taurus: a dull, plodding conformist too stubborn to even have a spirit
Gemini: a willowy, wispy soul that is scattered by the wind and is at home everywhere and which fucks everything it comes in contact with but never more than once or twice
Cancer: male or female, the cancer spirit has three *normal* days a month.
Leo: they want to rule the jungle but they barely make it out of their pajamas most days without a legion of underlings to help them. And damn, comb that hair!
Virgo: a pure and earthy spirit that washes its hands exactly thirty-seven times before getting on all fours dressed as a nun and caterwauling.
Libra: a precious, sparkly-eyed, porcelain beauty that is sexually confused and lies almost constantly.
Scorpio: The dagger in a dark alley of souls, but you knew this. DO NOT LOOK IN THEIR EYES.
Sagittarius: they’re already on their way to something else before they annoy you. Slovenly, slutty, smarmy
Capricorn: makes a stick-in-the-mud look like a Roman candle. Only sleeps with stacks of money, gold stars, or prestige.
Aquarius: F R E A K
Also, strangely, very abstract and as cold as ice
Pisces: if a fucked up mess could drain all of your emotional energy it would be called Pisces. Here be dragons.