In Honor of Friday the 13th

This Devil’s Dictionary of zodiac souls is submitted for your mild bemusement. I do not identify with a *single* one of these, nope not one ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Aries: a burning hot poker ready to be stuck in your eye at a moment’s notice

Taurus: a dull, plodding conformist too stubborn to even have a spirit

Gemini: a willowy, wispy soul that is scattered by the wind and is at home everywhere and which fucks everything it comes in contact with but never more than once or twice

Cancer: male or female, the cancer spirit has three *normal* days a month.

Leo: they want to rule the jungle but they barely make it out of their pajamas most days without a legion of underlings to help them. And damn, comb that hair!

Virgo: a pure and earthy spirit that washes its hands exactly thirty-seven times before getting on all fours dressed as a nun and caterwauling.

Libra: a precious, sparkly-eyed, porcelain beauty that is sexually confused and lies almost constantly.

Scorpio: The dagger in a dark alley of souls, but you knew this. DO NOT LOOK IN THEIR EYES.

Sagittarius: they’re already on their way to something else before they annoy you. Slovenly, slutty, smarmy

Capricorn: makes a stick-in-the-mud look like a Roman candle. Only sleeps with stacks of money, gold stars, or prestige.

Aquarius: F R E A K
Also, strangely, very abstract and as cold as ice

Pisces: if a fucked up mess could drain all of your emotional energy it would be called Pisces. Here be dragons.

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