We’re not sure of much in this godforsaken place, but we do keep our faith in a few earthly pleasures—primarily dumplings, sex toys, and slightly unhinged astrology content. Fly By Jing has us covered with their delicious pork xiao long bao, and we’ve already created a gift guide for people based on their zodiac signs while recharging our Satisfyer Pro 2. Now, we’re finally giving you good lizard people what you want: a guide to the best sex toys for your zodiac sign.
There are a lot of things to look for in a quality sex toy, astrology aside. Make sure the material is made of body-safe, medical-grade silicone when applicable; always buy butt plugs with flared handles; lay on the lube; and remember that you deserve to have actually have chemistry with your toys. Too often, folks feel intimidated by the broad scope of sex toys and their often confusing lingo (Vajankles? “figging??“), but we’re here to help you understand the difference between a wand and a Womanizer Duo (a clitoral attachment, for one), and now we’re taking the personalization a step further by breaking down the best sex toys, per your sparkling cosmic makeup, from Aries to Pisces and even Ophiuchus.
Maybe you’re a Taurus in search of a luxurious, multi-tasking vibrator. Perhaps you’re a Scorpio looking to turn things up to 11, and give your first BDSM accessory kit a go. Whether you’re looking for couples’ vibrators, penis rings, or gag balls, these are some horny steps in the right astral direction.
Aries (March 21 to April 19)
You’re the battering ram of the zodiac—the sign that leaps first, and looks second, and it’s officially your season! Aries is always advocating for a little more adventure and control, so naturally, we’d peg them as a strap-on dildo lover.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
Potato gratin with truffle oil. Silk pajamas. Good, well-paced sex. Taurus is here to be the most low-key horny, indulgent earth sign of the zodiac, and they deserve the luxurious LELO Soroya 2 rabbit vibrator. This one of the most beloved toys from the Swedish luxury sexual wellness brand, and as with all of its vibes, the Soroya is made out of medical-grade silicone, is fully rechargeable, and has been tirelessly engineered to hit your G-spot like a pro.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20)
Look, Gemini likes to shake up their shit, and we love them for that. As a mutable sign, you can expect them to be precocious, fun, and energetic. You can also expect them to invest in some kinky restraints, and a lounge chair that moonlights as sex furniture, such as the faux leather chaise by Wrought Studio. Not only does this baby look like a prop from a 00s music video, but it can help fuel Gemini’s many hankerings to change positions and moods.
Cancer (June 21 to July 22)
Hi, Cancer here! We’re weepy, horny, emotional water signs who just want a toy that’s as intuitive (and as invested in our orgasms) as we are. The Womanizer Duo is a true champion in that department, because it’s a joint G-spot and clitoral suction vibrator that uses motion-sensor technology to get you off. Meaning: the toy will only vibrate based on how much pressure you apply with your own hands, and even the clitoral suction element uses their patented Pleasure Air Technology to stimulate the clit without ever directly touching it.
Leo (July 23 to August 22)
Oh, Leo. What are we going to do with you? When you’re not screaming at the top of your lungs mid-sex, you’re telling everyone about it or about how you can’t wait to do it. You’re the baddest of the Fire signs, and the biggest hype man of everyone in your orbit. Naturally, you deserve a powerful, rumbling wand vibrator that can work out every kink in your body, from the back of your neck to your… well, you know where.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22)
Hey there, you little control freak! Virgos are famous for their obsession with sticking to their own plans and telling everyone else how much better they are (to be fair, they’re usually right), so they’ll love a sex toy with remote-control capabilities. Lovense’s Lush 3 is a couples vibrator beloved by everyone from cam girls to long-distance couples, and the We-Vibe Pivot is one of Lovehoney’s most highly-rated, app enabled penis rings that has also received some glowing reviews on Amazon. “It’s something different and fun,” writes one Amazon customer, “I wasn’t sure if I would get much out of it, but I was throbbing in seconds. Fellas give it a try.”
Libra (September 23 to October 22)
If ever there was a sucker for romance, it’s Libra. This star sign’s favorite gifts are often highly aesthetic (they just like nice things!), so they’re the perfect candidate for one of the many clitoral rose vibrators going viral on TikTok. Not only will Libra appreciate your keeping them in-the-loop about the internet’s latest favorite sex toys (they’re naturally information-savvy), but they’ll think it’s just so pretty.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)
You saucy Scorpions always get pegged as the sexy, mysterious sign—and that’s probably because you are the sexy, mysterious sign. Our gift guide for you, the unofficial fire sign of water signs (bear with me), includes everything from faux leather dusters to a choker with semi-secret nipple clamps that we can see you rocking in bed, to the bar, and beyond.
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21)
Come bearing a little bit of erotic electrostimulation play for our brazen, straight-shooting Sagittariuses, courtesy of this lightly electrocuting, studded paddle. Make them chase a water sign with it, just for fun.
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)
Lord, y’all are even worse than Virgo when it comes to being control freaks—but that’s also why we love you so much. You get shit done! You use words like “optimize” even when you’re not at work, which is why you deserve a ‘smart’ sex toy such as the Lioness, which uses AI to track your orgasms. We tested the breakthrough vibrator ourselves, and let’s just say we had our proverbial sex socks knocked waaaaay TF off.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
If there’s one thing Aquarius wants you to know, it’s that TheY’re nOt Like otHer Air siGns. Which is kind of annoying, but also true. This sign is naturally ethereal, quirky, and curious. They have glitter in their veins, and in their cereal, and they deserve a personality-driven sex toy such as a bunny tail butt plug or the best-selling anal vibrator from Unbound Babes (it will make them feel like Prince).
Pisces (February 19 to March 20)
Not unlike their kindred and sweet water sign brethren, Cancer and Scorpio, Pisces are secret freaks. They may come off as all soft and woo-woo, what with their floaty kaftan and strawberry vape pen, but this slippery fish will have it out for you. Someone grab the gag ball already.
For Ophiuchus stans (November 30 to December 18)
Look, we don’t even know if we trust you yet, Ophiuchus. As the controversial 13th sign of the zodiac, a lot of us aren’t sure you really exist. But your symbol is person grabbing a snake, so your sex toy is this 39-inch-long anal toy.
Wishing you a happy spank sesh. (See? That’s why they call it the Milky Way.)
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.