Photo: Composite by VICE Staff
We know, we know. All of this [swishes cape] feels like a bunch of stardust dipped in snake oil. But you know what? YUM, DUDE. Astrology is for the people, and has been for thousands of years. As author Andrea Richards told VICE about her new, ~stunnah~ Taschen art book, Library of Esoterica: Astrology, “There have always been [astrological] practices for the everyday. I think about my Midwestern grandmother, who is the last person in the world who I would say practiced astrology. At the same time, she knew the phases of the moon, and why they changed how and when she should plant things. That’s astrology, in the larger sense.” In a micro sense, the Zodiac can help steer us in the right direction—or at least a bitchin’ direction—when looking for Father’s Day gifts that don’t miss the mark.
We have been racking our brains to find the perfect gift for Boomer Dad (hot tip: all of this), when it just doesn’t have to be that way. Boomer Dad just might run on Gemini time, buddy, and that can mean anything; Geminis are nesting dolls of personalities. You don’t have one dad. You have 13!
Give the Zodiac a chance. You have nothing to lose, and all the truffle oil in the world to gain for Taurus Dad. And even if your father figure isn’t a Scorpio, he’s going to appreciate something sharp and shiny, because he’s human.
Aries
Aries Dad is adventurous. Big on that spur-of-the-moment, YOLO mentality that makes him look like a show-off sometimes—which, maybe he is, but you know what? He can actually pull it off. He will scramble to the top of the mountain first. He will walk 15 to 20 feet in front of the rest of the group on the sidewalk. There’s no escapade Aries Dad won’t embark upon (unless it’s not about him), so get him a headlamp to blaze the trail.
Cobiz
Brightest High 6000 Lumen LED Work Headlight
Taurus
Once Taurus Dad has licked all the BBQ sauce from his fingers, he’ll be overjoyed to unwrap this white truffle oil, which is perfect for drizzling over risotto, fries, red meat, and more. This particular blend uses cold-pressed grapeseed oil with the essence of Alba white truffle (one of the most coveted varieties). Top it off with a little Dad Grass, which is a hemp-derived CBD joint that will give Taurus Dad a velvety, mellow buzz just like grass used to in the 1970s. Bon appétit to Taurus Dad, the ultimate gourmand.
Gemini
Ah, Gemini Dad. Which dad are we going to get today? There’s a whole quarry of personalities in a Gemini man, who will be one of the most dynamic people you’ll ever know—and also one of the biggest pot-stirrers. Gemini Dad wants all of the hot goss, damnit, and he’s also very sneaky. Case in point: his voice-activated, stealthy recording pen.
AKALULI
Voice Activated Recording Pen
Cancer
A sensitive lad, Cancer Dad is always knee-deep in his thoughts and apt to cry at the news if he watches it for too long. Get him a Cloud Appreciation Society membership, for he, too, “believe[s] that clouds are the most evocative and dynamic of Nature’s displays.” Top it off with a cloud-spotting guide, and some new hankies while you’re at it. There will be tears of joy.
TarcherPerigee
The Cloudspotter’s Guide: The Science, History, and Culture of Clouds
Leo
Every day is Father’s Day when you have a Leo Dad! He’s like a steady, ever-burning flame in your life that has a lot of opinions, probably a loud voice, and most of all, pride. Get him a photo album and fill it with pictures of the family, and also just stuff about him. Think of it in a 70-30 ratio (we’ll let you guess which way).
Virgo
You know what Virgo Dad needs? A brewski, but also a cooler so he can chill TF out while also feeling extremely prepared, which is his favorite feeling, next to micro-managing. Sure, Virgo Dad is kind of a know-it-all… but also, has he ever been wrong? Not really.
Libra
Libra Dad is materialistic and really into his self-image. Hands-down. But that doesn’t mean he’s buying things he doesn’t need, or marinating in his own vanity (well, maybe). Libra Dad cares about how he looks because he gives a damn, and wants to put his best, quality face forward. It’s not about liking everything, it’s about liking the right thing.
Khiel’s
Facial Fuel for Men Skincare Kit
Scorpio
Just… here. Good luck. And go check out our basket of fancy chef knives under $100, if you need even more.
Zwilling J.A. Henckels
International Classic Chef Knife, 8 Inch
Sagittarius
One of the most intimidating of the astrological signs for its straightforward, passionate nature. Sagittarius Dad is a fire sign, which means he already owns a kitchen blow torch. Besides, now that it’s summer, he’ll want to indulge his inner lumberjack with a light game of hatchet throwing. Wrap it up with a nice Collins Forged Steel blade.
Bolder Targets
Axe Throwing Target Kit (Easy Setup)
Capricorn
No one is harder on himself than Capricorn Dad. No one works longer hours, or deserves a massive unwinding hit of the aforementioned Dad Grass, either—but he’d probably get more joy out of planning. This daddy is determined.
Moleskine
Classic 18 Month Planner
Aquarius
If you have an Aquarius Dad, you probably grew up doing at least three different extracurricular activities, because Aquarius Daddy is a doer. Often, he’s an activist. A trier of everything, taster of everything, Wikipedia-dive specialist on a bunch of random subjects (did you know there’s a fish called the Cookie Cutter Shark?? Daddy does), and the kind of person who is always eager to find the Next Big Vibe. Until he gets bored, that is. Shibori tie dye is perfect for him, because it’s a DIY project with quick(ish) gratification. Don’t forget the white socks and t-shirts.
Rit
Indigo Shibori Tie Dye Kit
Pisces
Wait, where did Pisces Dad go? To the beach? Or, more specifically, to wallow in a tide pool while listening to Leonard Cohen. Wrap up your sensi Pisces Dad in a new towel to show him some love. It’ll go a long way.
Food52 x Kate Roebuck
Sea Branch Beach Towel
Oh, and if he’s Ophiuchus? He gets canned air, because he’s not real.
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